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Wednesday, November 17th, 2010
11:09 pm - me

HEY!! thought you will like to know that Candi_Cruz its now live on dirtystage watch it now.. don miss it!
Friday, March 20th, 2009
8:55 pm - My Relationship A to Z


I'm incrediably sorry for the very, very  long post, but this is my first post and I needed to get caught up.  Anyone that is crazy enough to read all this, I more than welcome their comments and input on this.  Thanks in advance.

My back story:

I married a girl when I was 17 years old, we had already had a son and a daughter on the way by the time we got married. I dropped out of school and had a full time job, working 50-60 hours a week since I was 16 years old to help support my son. Then I joined the military. Over the course of the 7 years before I went to Korea (Deployed to Iraq twice during that time), she cheated on me and all kinds of other stuff. We decided to get a divorce and I got orders to go to Korea.


Her back story:

She married young as I did and divorced, then married a looser that wouldn’t get a job and forced her into the army, at that point she decided to get a divorce. While she was in training she met a “nice guy” and they hit it off and when they left training, they both went separate ways and broke up.


Our Back Story:

I met her while I was in Korea; we are both in the military. Both of us were married pending a divorce once we got back stateside. We spent several months together, really felt like we belonged together. We were never in the same place for more than a weekend, but we clicked so well and had such a good time together, I didn’t believe it before then, but it truly was love at first sight. She left Korea first, and was sent to Colorado. I tried like hell to get sent to Colorado to be with her but to no avail. I settled for the closest base which is in Oklahoma, about an 8 hour drive away. 


((I don’t have a good spot for this, so I’ll put it here) Before July, she was in a car accident, rear ended, she had her head turned when they were hit and it really messed up her back. Lots and lots of therapy. Military doctors saying there is nothing wrong with her and civilian doctors saying she is messed up pretty good. This added a lot of stress. 


Around the same timeframe, her unit deployed and she was left behind because of her injury, she got lots of crap over it daily and had to pull 24 duty every 3-4 days. A lot more stress buildup. And to top it off, they are kicking her out of the military within the next 6 months….even more stress) (This is important for later topics)


From January I started visiting her, driving to see her and staying a few days at a time. Everything seemed great, but the “nice guy” was still around in emails. She never got over him and he came back to haunt me. Very long story short…we were planning to get married in January 1st the following year, I was going to see her in late December, well, Mr. “nice guy” got orders to Colorado and wooed his way back in, broke us up just a week before I went to see her to get married.


Well, I still flew back to Cali to spend Christmas with my kids. I stayed at my moms and the kids stayed with me almost the entire time. I was taking the break up pretty hard but still tried to put a smile on my face for the kids and have a good time with them, that was incredibly difficult, but I think I did a pretty damn good job given the circumstances.


Since I wasn’t going to see the love of my life anymore, I decided to spend the rest of Christmas break there with my kids, hung out a little with an old friend from back home and drove back to good ole Oklahoma. On the way home I talked to her, I told her that I will give her the space she needs, I just want to be with her if the “nice guy” didn’t work out.


The entire vacation we were still texting and talking here and there, I was trying desperately not to give up, but my emotions started to rollercoaster on me, up and down, one day I was ok, the next I wanted to scream and the next I wanted to cry.


We stopped talking for a few days, which was my idea, I wanted to make her realize that she still needed me, which she broke my heart and she just can’t pretend like everything is ok. 


She started texting me again at work, talking about how she was not quite getting along all that great with the “nice guy”, oh by the way, did I mention that he PROPOSED to her and she accepted….LESS THAN 2 WEEKS AFTER WE BROKE UP! So, she breaks up with me and the guy moves into her house, proposes and is living my life in less than 2 weeks.


Anyways, so he isn’t exactly this “nice guy” image that she painted. He was telling her mean things like she needed to loose weight, be better in bed and more stuff along those lines. She damn near cried to me that she wasn’t even comfortable making love anymore. Not that I really wanted to know, but we have always been able to talk open and honestly.


Anyways, he leaves for a month for training out of state and she starts texting and talking to me more. She told me he was being very aggressive before he left, especially toward her oldest son. She started digging around (He left his car there, with the keys), looking through stuff, his car, computer and found ALL KINDS of bad stuff. Letters and emails from very recent lovers of his…Oh, did I mention that he told her he couldn’t wait to get to Colorado to see her, but he took 30 days before he got there to drive from Georgia to PA and she found evidence that he had been with at least 3-4 women during that trip, stopping by old “playgrounds” along the way. She found out that in the week he had been living there, that he had already signed up for single sites (on HER computer no less) looking for women in that Colorado area. He cheated on his first wife, that caused their divorce, I’m not sure of the reason of the second divorce. But he seems like the stereotypical cheater to me. She got a notebook from his car with his email, MySpace, etc, passwords and she and I went through them together and she seemed utterly appalled. And this whole time he is at this training, he doesn’t call, he sends a text or two a day, saying he has no cell reception, but her friend’s husband is in the same place and calls his wife all the time from there, on the same phone provider.


So she said she had enough and made preparations while he was gone to get rid of him, packed all his stuff and put most of it in the car. At this point, she is devastated and asking for me to forgive her…and I do, I just want to be with the woman of my dreams. I told her that she had never really gotten over him and that if this didn’t happen, she would always wonder what if. I asked if I could see her, she was very hesitant at first; she didn’t want to see me again before she officially broke it off with this guy, but eventually we decided that it was ok.  I knew it wasn’t totally right, but I knew what I wanted and I made myself believe that it was ok; after all, I need her too.


So I go visit for 3 days, stayed in a hotel the first night (with her) and went back to her house for the following nights.  When I first got there, she was so over excited that we slipped right back into wedding planning mode, went to a wedding store, bought a cheap, but pretty dress. We basically planned half a wedding in a few days.  I was so happy that this was working out that I didn’t bother to slow down for a second; after all, this is what I wanted. We even went and got pictures taken, for wedding announcements before I left.


So, we are back to lovey dovey and I still fear the near future. I tell her that I am worried, for one, that he will lay his sob story of excuses down and she will falter to him, that she will get physically hurt during the break up and so on. She assured me that everything would be ok, she said all his stuff is packed and she is not even going to talk to him, just leave him a note with his car keys.


He gets back from his training; I wait all morning anxious as hell to hear from her. Around lunch she calls and said she took him to breakfast and discussed everything with him and that she was done. I was so relieved. A week later…


We are set to be married in 2 weeks. There are plane tickets for my Mom, Grandmother, Brother, one of my cousins and my two oldest children to come to the wedding. We have a reception hall reserved, the church booked, a photographer,


I am planning to leave in 3 days to go be with her, to help her set up for this wedding, finish making the arrangements. She starts talking like she is mentally confused and she isn’t in her right mind, I knew, that HE had something to do with this. (And while I don’t have any factual evidence, I still feel this way). I tried to reassure her, that everything is going to be ok, that I will always love and take care of her no matter what.


The days started ticking away, she was talking more and more of confusion and this and that. I was just trying to sidestep it all just until I could hold her in my arms, I knew I could fix it if I seen her. And here we go…


1 day before I leave to go see her. She drops the bomb, I don’t want to get married, I don’t want you to come here, I don’t want to be with you, I’m still in love with HIM. (At this point, I am like WHAT THE %^&*!!!!!!!! I didn’t say that, but I felt it. I am WAY BETTER than this guy will ever be, I never have and never will cheat on a woman ever, I don’t get violent angry, I don’t tell her things to make her feel like %^&*.)  She tells me she is confused and needs time to figure herself out.


So, I made a mistake, I told her she has until before I go to bed to answer a question. I gave her an ultimatum, either I go down there and marry her, or I will never talk to her again. I waited all day, didn’t talk to her, finally that night I sent the text, “I need an answer, I’m going to bed.” She said , “Don’t come.” So I sent back, “Good-bye my love.”


That night I get really really drunk, I text her that I was drunk and I took HIS passwords and changed them all, email, MySpace, Facebook. She called, we talked for 3 hours, both of us balling our eyes out for over an hour of it.


I talked to my mom, she said don’t give up, go see her anyways. So I jumped in my car the next day and started driving, I text her I was coming to see her. About two hours into the trip she texts back, don’t come. I stopped the car and text her, “I am still coming, if you don’t want me to, you tell me right now that you don’t love me…and she did. So I turn around and drive home.


So I find out that HE moved back in and was sleeping with her again, I actually didn’t know this for fact at this point but I knew.


I couldn’t stick to my word, she kept texting and calling, I would give in and text back and within a few days we were talking again


I was an emotional rollercoaster again, I was having suicidal thoughts, though I would never do it that would be completely selfish of me, my children need me in this world, but I still had them. 


So my cousin still wanted to use his non refundable plane ticket to go to Colorado to snowboard and asked me to go, after little effort declining, I decided to go. So we go. I got there about 2 hours before his flight landed and went to the hotel to get a room, they were out, so since I was right there, I drove past her house and his car was there (yes I know, very stalker of me.) So I got mad and just left, and waited at the airport. (Mind you, this is our wedding weekend I am there, 10 days after breakup number 2).


So we go snowboarding and have a good time for 2 days (it was my first time). On our way back I’m talking to her, she is on 24 hour duty and wants to see me, so I tell her we will bring lunch. I introduce her to my cousin, we chat, and she is overly excited and beaming from ear to ear to see me, we were holding hands and just peering into each others eyes, we talked for about an hour before we left (had to take cousin back to the airport). I asked my cousin what he got out of that, what that looked like to him. He told me that she was still in love with me, and I got the same feeling.


No more than 10 minutes after we left, she texts me, “why didn’t you kiss me”. At this point I’m so damn confused, I told her I didn’t want to do anything to scare her or push her away, that I was scared. So I drop cousin off and go back to the hotel, we decided to have dinner together so I went to see her again, we spent a few hours talking and just looking at each other, I kissed her a few times and left to get sleep before my 9 hour drive home the next morning.


I asked her flat out when I got home if she was with HIM again. She said he is living there and they are sleeping together, but they are not together. (In my mind, that is about as together as it gets). So that upsets me and I seek a mental counselor, just to have someone to spill all this too and get some feedback. 


I tell the counselor the whole story and she basically tells me that.

A. She seems to like the “bad boys”.

B. She is scared to commit again after 2 failed marriages.

C. She doesn’t feel threatened by HIM right now because they are not “together”.


She called me right afterwards and I told her I wanted to talk to her about it and what she said, since we still tell each other everything. This was on Thursday. So Friday I get a call, text back and forth a few times, but Sat and Sun….nothing. I text a few times, asked her if we could talk today. And I get nothing all weekend. (same thing as the previous weekend, AKA, she is with HIM all weekend). So Monday rolls around, and I say screw it, ill give her the advice and just cut my losses, this is the email I sent.


<<<Ill post the email I sent her here>>>


Since you can’t find the time to talk to me, Ill just email you what we talked about. This is for you, you can do with it what you want, or ignore it all, its up to you.



The majority of our conversation was about you and me. I told her most everything already, she gave me answers I liked and didn’t like.


She told me that it sounds like you have a commitment issue related to your past mistakes and that you like what you have right now, its comfortable to be with (HIM) there because there is not a commitment.


She also said it sounds like you have the bad guy syndrome, you don’t want the good guy for you, you want the one you can toss out if things are not going your way. The bad guy will always give you an opportunity to escape when you want to and not feel as bad about it.


When we talked about how you were confused about your decision about us, she said it sounded like you already made it, you don’t want the commitment right now, you want someone to lean on and take care of you a little and it really doesn’t matter who that person is.


She told me that it is in my best interest to tell you that this is eating at me and causing me too much emotional distress and I should leave you for good and that she is shocked that I still want to be with you after all you put me through emotionally.


We talked about more, but I honestly don’t remember some of it. All I know is that everyone is telling me that you are stringing me along, and I wouldn’t believe it except as of lately. You only talk to me when it’s convenient to you. You haven’t stopped hurting me or basically treating me like shit since we broke up. That’s why I stopped talking to you. You don’t deserve my friendship right now; you don’t deserve a lot of things right now. You have been running away from responsibility at every turn for the last few months. You are self destructing and I was right there with you, killing myself trying to do whatever I could to help, but you have abused my friendship. So I’m not going to be the nice guy anymore, I’m going to walk away like I should have months ago.


Lastly, I want the ring back, it’s another thing you don’t deserve, and you can mail it to me when you get a chance at


(Address here)


It seems like you finally got what you wanted, I’m walking away, if that’s not what you wanted, you sure as hell fooled me. So, I’m sorry your life sucks, everyone’s life sucks, including mine.  I don’t want to talk to you, but if you absolutely need someone to talk to, you know how to contact me, but don’t you dare try to take advantage of me again.





So that was it for me, I thought I gave up and just wanted to sulk. I just told the woman I love with all my heart and soul that I don’t want to even talk to her anymore. My feelings this whole time have never changed, my heart keeps getting broken, but I still love her just the same. Another few days go by and I break down and start answering her texts again.


I told her I didn’t want to be friends. That she was so much more to me and I won’t settle for less. She kept pushing and pushing to stay friends. So we spent a day texting and finally a phone call, (It’s wonderful to hear her voice), I didn’t want to call, it scared me, and just like I thought, I call, we chat. She talks about how she and HE are not getting along among other things.  She keeps saying the “Honey, Baby and Kisses throughout the conversation. I get hit with an emotional tidal wave. I contain myself by staying quiet and letting her talk, we talk about how the kids are (hers and mine) and a little about what’s going on at work and such. She asked me to text if I wanted to chat before we hung up. I stayed up for hours thinking about what to say, what to do, and I finally decided to send one more email.


<<<Ill post the email I sent her here>>>


Yesterday was nice getting to talk to you again, to hear your voice; I’ve always been so comfortable talking to you. But I’m not going to let you do this; you can’t have your cake and eat it too. We both know that you and (HIM) aren’t going anywhere, he’s just a fling. He has given you enough reasons to kick him out but you like his company. But I am not going to sit on the sidelines for this. I know your not going to get rid of him for awhile, probably not until you are getting ready to leave the army or Colorado, so when you fix your shit, then you can call and see if we will work, otherwise, just leave me be. I might still be interested at that point, and I may not. 


I want this to be very clear, what you are doing with him and talking to me like you do is not OK with me. You are either with one man completely or another, it completely goes against everything I believe in and I won’t tolerate being in the middle anymore. And If we do get back together, I would consider it extremely disrespectful If you talked or chatted with another man with the “Honey, Baby, Kisses” things.


In any case, I stand by my word, we are either together or we are nothing, and that’s it. I love you and we belong together and I know you know that too, I just don’t know what other bullshit is running through your head that’s preventing that from happening. Do not honey, baby or kisses me until you mean it. Seriously, don’t call, don’t text until you get your shit together. I won’t be responding anymore unless it’s urgent. If you want your happily ever after with your soul mate, you know what you have to do.







And here we are, that was today. I had to be firm to get my point across, she wasn’t taking the hint that I didn’t want to be her friend like this. She text me this morning before she read the email, “Good morning handsome”. I replied, “good morning beautiful (as always), Send me the ring today please, and I sent you and email. She replied back shortly after. “You got through loud and clear.” And that’s the last I have heard so far.


So my basic thoughts in conclusion.


I still love her to death and I don’t want to loose her but I am so without a plan right now. I just want her to realize that she still needs me and wants me…even if it don’t work, at least we will both have an answer. What the hell do I do now?

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Thursday, October 2nd, 2008
7:01 pm - many emotions...venting

I met this guy 3 years ago but we began dating around the 4th of July. We started out be really really good friends. I believe we sometimes see someone and want there to be a connection so badly that we sort of make it happen but tell ourselves it was natural. This guy (we'll call him Tom)is a bit older than me and wasn't my ideal kind of guy at first but he became my total buddy. Our relationship was based on trust and respect and on a smaller level still is. Though at the begining I did notice that he only had one friend (besides me)that consisted of 95% of his social life and it had probably been that way for a while. In the back of my mind I kept wondering if the way he at times seemed to be...I guess obsessed it to strong of a word but I would wonder if I was mostly a ticket out of his loneliness but how could I find that out for sure? Anyways about 2 months later he became more comfortable in letting his temper tantrums/way to gain control show. When he would do something I disagreed with and I would say it would try to always get really mad at any tiny thing I disagreed with and try to intimidate me into biting my tongue when I felt he wasn't treating me right or I disagreed. He does this every time we are together. Sometimes he'll drag it out but it seems when he has something to gain than he cuts it short.Though he shows that he has a lot of love for me. I know your probably thinking yeah you just want to believe that but I could tell that he wasn't faking how strongly he felt towards me by the people closest to him. If he really cherishes me why the tantrums that pulls us apart? How can someone do both to someone? Is it b/c he knows I'll keep coming back? Which I think is a strong possibility but if that is the case I still don't get it. I was curious what other people thought about the situation.

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Thursday, January 10th, 2008
5:33 pm

A breif introduction:  i am 16 years of age and i live in Adelaide a horrible city in summer because it is basically a ghostown.
I am inlove with my best friend. The love is unrequited. We are intimate and we fuck, that doesnt make it any easier but i long for his touch and every intimate moment  i get caught in the moment and i just can't stop myself. I had these fantasies that he would move in with me, we would be together and ride bikes to school together. He would play his guitar and id draw and write, we would go on road trips on the weekend to the middle of nowhere and wake up at dawn to go on midnight adventures.
As much as i try, i cant tame my feelings for him. I care for him and respect him dearly. What really hurt me was when  he told me last night  that he wants to see other people and that the probability of him fucking someone else is definite. It felt as though my heart had been torn out of my chest as melodramatic as it all sounds.I just excused myself and bawled my eyes out in privacy, until i could pick myself up and return.
I really can't stand the idea of him with anyone else. I am scared that i will distance myself from him due to heated up emotions and end up hating him.
I dont want to hate him and i want him to be happy. Now im trying to find closure, perhaps some sort of distraction from him. I wish some other guy would walk into my life and erase these feelings i have for him, if only it was that easy. This whole situation has put our friendship in the firing line.  He tells me that he is infatuated with me but he has to explore what is out there, discover himself and that he probably wont be in another relationship until he is much older. This morning he was sleeping in my bed and i just looked at him and burst into tears. I wish he felt the same way as i do for him. He knows how i feel, he feels horrible but theres nothing he can do.
If you have read this far, thank you, i hope i havent bored you too much.

current mood: rejected

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Sunday, November 26th, 2006
12:42 am - it's cliche
onehand but I wish I could wash that man right out of my hair. Three years. My yearning to be with him has, thankfully, faded. but the void remains. I used to be whole, now I'm empty, comparatively. it's better, much better, but it's not good enough. and I still have those "why can't i have him" moments. the painful, bottemless freefall of hopeless longing. I would be so happy if the dream, the idea, the hope, could dissolve out of my life, not leaving me a shell, but no longer wondering what I'm missing, and "why me?"ing all over the place. I don't want the happy dreams, I don't want the sad tears, I just don't want any of it anymore. please let it fade away a little bit faster, a little bit more comepletely. please.

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Friday, April 7th, 2006
12:46 am

Hey all. Well I'm new so here is a little info about myself.
I'm 19, in college,and I LOVE MUSIC. Not just one genre per say, but I do have a few favorites which are Rock, Metal, and Indie. Um...I'm gonna try to major in Architecture.
That's pretty much it.

I was intrigued by this community considering I feel as though I have no one to talk to. I have friends...yes...but I don't think they get it. I'm a few months into my 2nd relationship, and I can't help but feel this void. My heart was brutally ripped out by my ex-b/f, no reason, no warning,not a word spoken to me ever again. I see him around b/c I live in a fairly small town and I can't help but want to puke...no matter how much of a front I put up, I'm empty. And I've completely given up on love. I have no want for it anymore. And as much as I like the guy I'm with now, I don't want to fall. I have never felt this alone or empty and with no one to talk to, it makes it so much worse. It's been like 7 months since I was dumped and I still find myself thinking of what could never be. I dunno what to do anymore.

current mood: gloomy

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Monday, June 13th, 2005
7:00 pm

hey, my name is lacey, im fifteen, and im new. well ive alot of problems with my boyfriend this year, but everything is getting better. its been over ten months now and hes now just starting to actually care. he asked me to marry him at prom and i said yes. i love him so much, but the sad thing is, i still cant trust him with alot of things. hes done alot, but ive still loved him through and through...but sometimes i just dont know what to do, the pain hurts, but i think love conquers all, unless the heart is broken. hes broken mine, but ive forgiven him. ill tell about it all later. Byez

current mood: apathetic

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Sunday, December 5th, 2004
10:29 pm - hello

  • Kaysha is the name.
  • 14 is the age.
  • Elwood is the town.
  • Indiana is the state.

Ok now heres some stuff about me.

  • i cant stand my nails not to be paint (sorry im painting my nails so i had to throw that one out there)
  • i am actually surronded by people. but i dont seem to feel them.
  • my favorite bands are Evanescence, AFI, Matchbook Romance, Something Corprate, and such as that.
  • im in drama club, spanish club, student council, steering comittee, and i work at Dairy Queen.
  • When im alone i listen to music and write poems/lyrics.
  • I'm wiccan.
  • i love to read.
  • my favorite class is english.
  • When i go to collage i want to go to New York for acting and Photography.

Ok enough of my jibber jabber. Im not sure how this community works exactly so umm. if you want just post a commit so i know im wanted. end.

current mood: anxious

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Tuesday, August 24th, 2004
1:54 am

ok well im new to this and i just like to have people to talk to that wont get mad becuz i am talking bout this. ok well my name is amber im 18 and since jan of this year ive had a certain sumone in my life for two months we were actually together and since then we have been really close..derek told me that we wasnt going to be able to be together becuz he couldnt handle a relationship bcuz i had guy friends that he couldnt stand and becuz he was scared to get hurt again. so since march we havent been a couple. yet everything has pretty much stayed the same we still do things together sexually and not. we spend just bout everyday together and we both care bout each other. but yet everytime i ask him to be back with me he says he cant . or that he wants to take things slow. well he confusing me so badly and there is a ex of his that i try to live up to so much. she did him so wrong and so many times but yet he gave her every chance in the world to make it up and he wont even give me a 2nd chance when i didnt do anything to hurt him. he has told me how he felt for her and i try to think that maybe one day i might mean that much to him. he dont really tell me how much i do mean tohim and all that jazz. so im very confused. i have my friends telling me i need to just forget him which i find very hard to do becuz i love him so much and i want to be with him. and then i have a few of his friends telling me that they know he cares a lot bout me and all that good stuff i dont know what to do. and like i said b4 i have no one that will actually listen to me bout it. all i know is that it hurts so baldy to know sumthing is there but i cant do anything bout it. to have to look into his eyes and know he is the one i love so much and not to know. i hold on to every lil chance i have. and i mean we are very close but its like sumthing is missing. i mean if anyone gets me on how i feel bout this please help. its so very confusing and it helps me to talk becuz i am a cutting and even tho its been a while since i have cut holding all this in only makes it harder not to cut so .. any one if u can just tell me what u think or anything id greatly appreciate it.

current mood: blah

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Thursday, August 5th, 2004
11:20 pm

My name is Vivian and I'm new here. I'm feeling kind of unloved right now... The 30th of July was the first anniversary of my boyfriend dumping me. We were together for six years and he left me right out of the blue. I saw him for the first time the other day. We were both at the same party and he showed up with another guy. I saw them kissing.

It hurts to think that I got replaced by a man. I don't even know now if my boyfriend really cared about me while we were together or not.

I've never felt lonelier than I do right now.

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Tuesday, August 3rd, 2004
5:54 pm - =/

*when two people first start out, they say alot of things, and make a lot of promises to eachother, but somewhere down the line, the sweet things they once said become bitter words, and the promises they swore in their hearts they would keep, are broken*

current mood: contemplative

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Thursday, July 22nd, 2004
11:45 pm

Two months ago, at a birthday Party, I met this great lady Janine. In the last few weeks we've seen quite a bit of each other, we've gone out a few times. But I don't think it was real dates, more like friends doing things together. I was (and am) very very happy in her presence, and started falling in love. Anyway on Saturday I sort of told her how I felt and found out that she just wants to be good friends. That's how I keep accumulating more and more friends.

Usually after being rejected, I go spirally downwards, and get a quite depressed, but this time I'm still high, I'm still there nearly on the point of falling in love with her.
Maybe I'm getting an immunity to rejection.
Or maybe I have n't really accepted the rejection yet.

picture of Janine & of Janine/MeCollapse )

current mood: relatively happy

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Tuesday, July 20th, 2004
7:44 pm - *waves*

I'm new I guess..So i'll introduce myself
I'm Stacy..17 years old ..urm..I'm open to all sorts of music, but I mainly listen to 'emo/indie' and bob marley of course.Blah.I'm a bore. I can play a bit of guitar and i'm a fan of good films.
That's my intro.
pics of me...Collapse )

current mood: lonely

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Saturday, June 26th, 2004
9:56 pm

Whomever penned the phrase, "Time heals all wounds." Should be shot in the head. That is the biggest load of crap I have ever heard. You only forget about your pain, it doesn't go away.

current mood: melancholy

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Monday, June 21st, 2004
5:51 pm

i need help with my layout, i want the theme sort of like 'everytime i try to fly i fall' something like that or like a little girl on a swing and like 'scrapped knees are easier to heal then broken hearts' but i am not creative and dont have a clue how to do anything for my lay out, if you could help me i would really appreciate it

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Thursday, June 17th, 2004
12:30 pm

i feel so alone...nick recently dumped me because he said he was scared of commitment and thought we were getting too serious, after we had been in a serious relationship for over 2 years, i am only 16, but still i felt so safe with him, he was my bestfriend, he still is, he has been my life for so long i dont know what to do, its like a part of me is gone, its like i can't go on, its like my heart has been riped out and stomped on, i can't let go, i dont know how, i guess i am posting for advice on what to do, we live an hour away from each other, i live an hour away from school, i am going to be a senior in high school next year, and i have missed out on so much, and having friendships because i isolated myself to him and only him, i never hung out with anyone but him, and he promised he would never dump me, he promised we would be together forever, he promised we would get married, and i was so stupid and vulnerable that i believed him...now i have learned that friendships are important, and deep down i really want to make some close friendships and just have friends in general, i mean i have acquantices but no one i can really talk to about stuff, and i wish i had that, and now i have realized and learned from my mistake but how do i form those, i mean all my friends live an hour away, i can drive and everything, but i feel like i have missed out, i feel like everyone has already made their little groups and there isnt any room for me....i just cant deal with it, i dont know what to do, i am so lonely, if anyone is in the need for any lj friends, add me i would love some new friends...

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Saturday, May 22nd, 2004
12:16 pm

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person - no different from any other stupid person - wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.

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Sunday, April 25th, 2004
5:55 pm

"who could feel the emptiness inside"- you don't know, 98 degrees

i feel like no one understands me and i have so much goin on that i seriously can't take. my ex.. well its hard to move on cuz part of me still wants him, but he's caused me so much trouble that i shouldn't even think bout him.. y did he turn the way he did

my names truffles, junior in high school w. "a lot of emotion that i shouldn't b feelin at my age" accordin to sum few.. i feel that i have a lot to take on and i can't take it. evanescence just sings words to me that i feel so related to. how can i helo myself when i feel like i'm losin it?

current mood: drained

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Sunday, March 14th, 2004
10:37 pm

Hey, I'm Heather, I'm new. go me.

I have one question for anyone who cares to answer.

What am I supposed to do when the guy that loved me for two years, and I loved back, and still love (but not romantically) tells me that "you made me a good person, someone I liked being." I've been watching him screw up his life, pushing away all the people that he cares about, and the people that care about him away. I feel so helpless.

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Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
12:10 am

I can't stand being alone for such long periods of time.
I need friends or something.
nekjgbrjebewiatugurewbgtkujsbgiut I HATE EVERYTHING.

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